Learning Experiences

are not fun.

I am not quite sure if this is a learning experience quite yet, but I am trying to see it as one.

I don't deal well with failure. That's been absolutely obvious since the moment I could speak, I'm sure. From the temper tantrums at the mini-golf courses to the High School break downs when I lost a swim race. I like to think I've improved in this area. That I'm no longer so rash.
But there is nothing I am more competitive about than school. I suppose I am proud of how I handled the dreaded moment when my Professor handed me the exam I took over a week and a half ago back. I almost laughed.
But that there, is the issue. I am proud. Probably the most frustrating part of the experience was the attempted consolation my neighbor tried to give me. I just wanted to prove it, then in there. That I wasn't actually unintelligent.
Which leads me to think about how I view others. I admit that even when I don't want to realize it, I allow myself to believe that I work harder and, well, am smarter than many of the people I interact with.
This is awful.

In perspective, this exam accounts for 15 percent of my total grade in a 5 credit class. I can, if I work harder than I had planned to, make up for it. It isn't the end of the world.
I just wish I didn't have to. (And I'm not sure I can).

But as I went for a walk this afternoon (which I scolded myself for wasting time to do), I allowed myself to dwell on this situation.
Sometimes, I think I secretly like to moan and complain. To make things worse.
In any case, I ended up several minutes later feeling like a failure, like I no longer could succeed. That I would not get into PA school. That I wasn't cut out for it anyway.
But I know that these things are not true. That I can take this with a grain of salt and realize that I am human. That I don't have to do well ALL the time, and that I don't have to be the best. (And that I don't even have the capacity to always be the best).

Even though I did just have a week off, all I can really think about is how I really need a long break. To really rest in what makes life worth living.
A warm wind in your hair.
A full day of doing nothing you feel like you have to do.
Spending time with people you love.

Someday.

American Greed

I hate moments like this.
When the doubting, mistrusting side of me is proved right.

Kyle and I were just sitting at a table at Grand Valley when this guy comes up to us in a panic, asking for gas money to get to Muskegon.
"I swear I'll pay you back. My Uncle is the Mayor... (Or some bull)"

I didn't want to give him the money, but my nice boyfriend did, so he gave him five.
I suddenly remembered the few dollars I had in my pocket and gave him five too, even though my stomach sank a little when I did.

After I watched him with an evil eye for a bit, Kyle lectured me.
"Give it up. You care too much about your money."

(Its probably true. I don't mind giving when I know that its really used for a good cause. I don't trust people. And today it was especially hard, considering the fact that essentially I am in debt again due to my car's episode.)

But then, oh but then.

They guy orders a Starbucks drink and heads for the door.
I wanted to get up, but my heart was pounding so hard I almost couldn't.
Kyle decided to go after him, asking him about the coffee.

He said "A guy bought it for me, I swear," and walked off.

A few minutes later, the security guard goes out the door, looking for someone.

"Are you looking for anyone?" I asked.

"Yeah, some guy has been panhandeling around here lately, and I saw him go this way."

I was so mad.
Kyle went out the door in a fit, and I tried to follow but he wouldn't let me. After ten minutes or so he came back with nothing.

Then, when Kyle went to class and told a friend about it, the friend said he knew someone else that happened to. Same story.

I just wish I weren't right about people.
It makes my heart hard.

Growth?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZBoZ0sUT3k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDud1qTLiGA&feature=channel

I have been in love with this man's music for quite a while now. Never gets old.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been a particularly easy last couple weeks.
First, my car (even though we haven't gotten along well the last 2+ years anyway) is practically worthless, since I let the engine seize. Moral of the story is: Don't ignore oil lights, even if they are only on for 20 minutes. You will be sorry.
So now I have to find a new car. My parents are being great about the situation, allowing me to borrow my Dad's car until I find a new one. Its just frustrating, since I finally paid this thing off, and let me tell you, with all the repairs, it hasn't been cheap.

Additionally, I haven't been enjoying school at all. I don't usually love it, but I like it less this semester. I haven't been doing quite as well as I might like, and I'm not interested in any of my classes.

Time is just slipping out of my hands. I can't even comprehend how quickly it passes. I don't feel like I get anything done and I don't have any free time. I'm in a time warp.

When I really think about all these essentially minor concerns, I just have to realize how much I still have to be thankful for. Things could be infinitely times worse. I definitely need to learn how to deal with loss, no matter how minor it is.
Its just not something I like to practice, I guess.

Ignorance is Bliss

To anyone who has any free time at all this weekend- rent the documentary Food, Inc.
There are no words for how this movie made me feel.

American's really don't know where most of their food comes from. They don't know the companies that mass produce this food. These companies that exploit animals and workers. I have not typically taken a strong stance on things being "organic," or eating less meat, but I really do want to change the way I eat and who I buy things from.

I really just want to spend the summer learning how to raise a small farm. I really believe it would be worth it.

Morality and Psychoanalysis

I'm afraid I've been quite convicted.
When I really realize the state of my life, I know that much improvement is needed...

"Some of us who seem quite nice people may, in fact, have made so little use of a good heredity and a good upbringing that we are really worse than those whom we regard as fiends. Can we be quite certain how we should have behaved if we had been saddled with the psychological outfit, and then with the bad upbringing, and then with power, say, or Himmler? That is why Christians are told not to judge. We see only the results which a man's choices make out of his raw material. But God does not judge him on the raw material at all, but on what he has done with it."

C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

2010

I can't believe it really is 2010.
A new decade.
It seems to me that 2005 was only moments ago, regardless of the fact that I am still so young. I remember realizing that I would probably graduate from college in 2011, and I also remember that year sounding like an eternity away.
Someday, will people call this the tens? the teens? Who even knows? I don't.

All that really seems to be on my mind lately is what is to come. I am constantly planning. Trying to be efficient and figure my life out. At the same time, I get a thrill from the fact that I really just don't know what I will be doing with my life a year from now. Will I get into PA school for the summer? Will I stay in Michigan? Will I travel?
I am semi-stressed about my senior project that I have to propose by April 1. At least I have a professor to work with now-that is a major step. I have a 4th meeting with him tomorrow to be trained on some things in the lab. At this point, I have no idea what is going on. I just smile as he goes on excitedly about all the proposed plans he has. "...and so you take the transposons.... and we can run a polymerase chain reaction.... Drosophila this... Drosophila that..."
I will have it figured out someday, I suppose. Hopefully my time this semester cleaning out test tubes of dead flies and learning how to run tests will give me a push in the right direction.

One thing I have been wondering. What is the origin of the word hardly? I suppose I could look it up, but it makes no sense. It seems like the word should mean harshly. Or maybe with great vigor. Not barely. That makes no sense.

Overall, I am beaming about life right now. I am so lucky to have the life I was blessed with.
I can't believe how selfish I can be. People in America have such great lives. We have such luxury; so many choices.

Which reminds me of a study my mom told me about where a group of people could choose one poster to keep that was presented to them. Half the participants were told that they were not allowed to switch posters, and the other half were told that they could.
In the end, guess who was happier?
The people who were forced to keep their first choice.

So maybe choice and opportunity aren't always a blessing. But I still think we need to remind ourselves that they are a privilege.

Good Morning, World.

As I have spent the last hour or two reading xanga posts from the past, I am feeling inspired to to blog again. I think it is good for the brain, to spend time in a little meditation and thought about the events of life. I know that this may be a passing inspiration, but I do know that I will appreciate being able to comment on Taylor's blog when I have something to say. (Which is almost every time I visit the site).

As usual, my aspirations for what break would be like have kind of been diminished by the time warp I always seem to end up in when I have some free time. Either I am with family, Kyle, working, or doing something entirely non-productive.
I have seen some people that I hoped to see, but not as many as I might have liked to see.

Wouldn't it be nice if I lived in Chicago? I sure do, since some of my favorite people live there, and the city is full of interesting things. But of course, I love many people here as well. Its just a little bit amazing that I've spent a whole lifetime in the same spot.
Its time to explore, I think.

Which reminds me. I am thinking a road trip for spring break '10 is in order. I can think of several people who might be down for this, so I will definitely need to do some discussing soon.

Alright. This has been sufficient. Still to do:
Pick up a day at work (I was hoping that would be today... or tomorrow?)
Snowboard again
Finish sewing my dress
Go to GV and meet with Prof. Burg for my research project.

Let it be.