Learning Experiences

are not fun.

I am not quite sure if this is a learning experience quite yet, but I am trying to see it as one.

I don't deal well with failure. That's been absolutely obvious since the moment I could speak, I'm sure. From the temper tantrums at the mini-golf courses to the High School break downs when I lost a swim race. I like to think I've improved in this area. That I'm no longer so rash.
But there is nothing I am more competitive about than school. I suppose I am proud of how I handled the dreaded moment when my Professor handed me the exam I took over a week and a half ago back. I almost laughed.
But that there, is the issue. I am proud. Probably the most frustrating part of the experience was the attempted consolation my neighbor tried to give me. I just wanted to prove it, then in there. That I wasn't actually unintelligent.
Which leads me to think about how I view others. I admit that even when I don't want to realize it, I allow myself to believe that I work harder and, well, am smarter than many of the people I interact with.
This is awful.

In perspective, this exam accounts for 15 percent of my total grade in a 5 credit class. I can, if I work harder than I had planned to, make up for it. It isn't the end of the world.
I just wish I didn't have to. (And I'm not sure I can).

But as I went for a walk this afternoon (which I scolded myself for wasting time to do), I allowed myself to dwell on this situation.
Sometimes, I think I secretly like to moan and complain. To make things worse.
In any case, I ended up several minutes later feeling like a failure, like I no longer could succeed. That I would not get into PA school. That I wasn't cut out for it anyway.
But I know that these things are not true. That I can take this with a grain of salt and realize that I am human. That I don't have to do well ALL the time, and that I don't have to be the best. (And that I don't even have the capacity to always be the best).

Even though I did just have a week off, all I can really think about is how I really need a long break. To really rest in what makes life worth living.
A warm wind in your hair.
A full day of doing nothing you feel like you have to do.
Spending time with people you love.

Someday.